You know how people say they're okay when they're really not? Everyone does it. Well I've been doing it especially. For about a month now, I've been battling with depression. I've been dealing with it for quite a while, but it comes and goes in waves. It's been really rough lately. I'm double majoring, have a part time job, and haven't seen my boyfriend in a month. When you add the stress of two majors worth of homework, work hours, and not having your best friend by your side, it really gets to you. I feel like no matter how much homework I do, there's always a hundred more things to do. Right now, I should be writing a paper that's due tomorrow, but I couldn't with all of these feelings clouding my brain. It's been like this for a few days. I can't focus, on anything really, and I have a list of things to do piling up in my planner. So hence this post. I'm praying and hoping that it will help release these feelings and I can get back to work.
Nathan and I both want to get married. But we are both flat broke. I know they say that if you wait to be financially stable before getting married, you won't get married until you're fifty. But here's the deal. Due to scholarship changes, I have $200 to my name. Nathan has even less. I don't even know when we'll have enough money to get married. And he has thousands of dollars in debt... That terrifies me. I can't figure out how life is going to figure itself out and be okay. Another worry, Nathan and I are both so swamped with school, and me with work, that we barely talk. I'm constantly so busy that when I do have time to really talk to him and unwind, I can't because my mind is so clouded. I feel so detached from the relationship and it terrifies me. This whole relationship terrifies me. All the time. It's completely, totally worth it, but that doesn't change the fact that I am scared shitless (excuse my French, but sometimes it's necessary).
I get into ruts where all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. My heart aches with sorrow and I can't figure out how to get out of the rut. I try everything... Eventually I get to a point where I can go outside and not look like a tear stained zombie, but I still feel awful.
Which brings me to my next point... I AM ALWAYS TIRED. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get! I'm constantly being run into the ground with schoolwork and tasks at work that I feel like I can't take a breath. I'm suffocating in my own life. And I'm only in college. Imagine how I'll feel when I'm in the real world. That's probably the thing that terrifies me the most...
The reason my relationship is so hard is because I don't have a car. I have to pay for it with my own money, and I don't have any obviously. And because I have to pay for a bunch of other stuff and only work 6-9 hours a week, I have no idea when I'm going to get the money for it. Nathan lives 2.5 hours away and he can't drive that drive very often. And NO ONE goes home anymore. I can't find a ride. So I'm stuck here on the weekends, alone because my roommate goes home or has fun plans, and Nathan is stuck at his school. I miss him more than anything else in this world. It's so dumb because my mind no longer remembers any sense besides sight. I remember what it looks like when we cuddle, kiss, or even hug, but I can't feel it, I can't smell his smell, I can't taste, I can't remember any of those things. And it's really upsetting. I miss him so much.
Do you know how lonely life gets when Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday, you're all by yourself? It sucks. I fill it with homework and Netflix, but I am more lonely than ever in my room. Occasionally, I'll find someone to hang out with, but everyone's always busy.
To be honest, I feel like I'm a hassle to everyone. "Take me here?" "Drive me there?" I'm completely dependant on others. It drives me crazy. I bet most people just wish I'd go away. And I feel like I don't belong in the group of choir people now that I'm not a music major. I feel attacked a lot. People say extremely rude things to me. And it hurts a lot. Plus I'm pretty sure the freshman think I'm a total B word, but I think that's just how I come off to people (how encouraging is that? ...).
I'm just tired of life. I can't imagine how people haven't figured out how down in the dumps I am. I mean, I cried during choir last week. In the middle of everyone. And only like two people noticed. It's ridiculous. It makes me wonder how much I don't notice about others. Does anyone else feel this exact way but I'm too busy to notice them?
This has been a pathetic post from yours truly. Carry on.
